I’ve known Rev. Misty Tyme for many years and have admired how courageous and fun she is. We’ve weathered some health scares for our husbands and life challenges over the years together, too. What I’ve admired most is her ability to forgive – and really help others let go of the most difficult moments in life – whether counseling people dealing with death and grieving, or not holding a grudge, or releasing sadness that can hamper a person’s potential in life. When she invited me on her podcast (brief video HERE and link HERE) and shared her approach, which is methodical in a purposeful way, with a unique algorithm, I asked her to share a brief quiz as part of the #LetResilienceArise guest blog series. The quiz can help you diagnose your own stance, and maybe ease you or a friend you know toward more freedom and less grief.
By Rev. Misty Tyme
My brother Glenn gave me a lifetime of situations I could use as examples to hold against him. From drunken rages, physical abuse, and pages of lies. Glenn was not just my brother. He was my twin brother. I was disappointed in who he had turned out to be, and embarrassed that he was my twin.
And then he died.
He was gone, but I was still deeply rooted in all of the pain and suffering he caused. To add to my anger, I was swirling in grief. I needed to discover the truth about forgiveness. I needed to find out “HOW” to forgive.
Out of my own forgiveness journey, I developed the Forgiveness Algorithm ™ and my book The Forgiveness Solution: A Step by Step Process to let it Go.
Life is full of complicated people, complicated situations, and complicated decisions. The last thing you need is a complicated way to forgive them. It will take more than singing‚ “Let It Go‚“ at the top of your lungs and skipping happily into the sunset.
In order to truly forgive, you will have to do some real mental, emotional, and even physical work. Love, no matter how much you want it to solve everything, doesn’t fix everything. Forgiveness can be the missing link you need to heal.
Where you live, how old you are, your family, and your lifelong experiences form your forgiveness beliefs. It’s important to uncover any misconceptions you may have about forgiveness. What type of forgiver are you?
Let me introduce you to my forgiveness quiz that is in chapter 2 of my book, The Forgiveness Solution, A step-by-step process to let it go. It’s a lighthearted yet insightful way to give you an idea about your current thoughts and feelings on the topic of forgiveness. It’s just 7 questions, and I promise it will be a breeze.
The Forgiveness Quiz
Do you think forgiveness is essential to our human experience?
- No, forgiveness is a myth. I tend to just disregard the situation.
- Yes, forgiveness is something we all must do and it is important to have a healthy life.
- Maybe, but only if people are sorry for the pain they have caused and they change their behavior.
- You get what you give. If you have broken my trust then you should not be in my life.
When someone has hurt you do you expect an apology?
- Apologies are rare. Most people do not own up to what they have done.
- No, I don’t think people should say they are sorry. It’s a bonus if they do.
- Sure, an apology is great, but I will find it hard to ever trust them again.
- Yes, they should try to change their behavior and not repeat it.
Do you feel people are out for themselves?
- Yes! People try to get what they can. People are very self-centered. They want to know, “What have you done for me lately?”
- No, people make decisions and have beliefs based on their own life experience. Generally, people want to help others.
- Our society has created greedy people. Everyone is trying to get something or sell you something. If you fall for it, it is your fault.
- Generally, people think about themselves and that makes it hard to believe they did not know what they were doing.
Forgiveness is important in all major religions. Do you think you are required to forgive?
- Maybe – forgiveness is okay in some situations, but not if a person does something immoral or illegal.
- Yes, it is a requirement of God. If God is going to forgive us then we must forgive others.
- No, religion has it all wrong. You need to get what you give.
- Religion is too easy on people. I cannot forget what the person did and let them back into my heart only to hurt me all over again.
What is forgiveness to you?
- Forgiveness is letting go and moving on. This only happens in movies and fairy tales.
- Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and anger caused by a person or a situation.
- Forgiveness is letting go of the situation, but remembering the person has shown you who they are. I cannot x them, but karma will pay them back.
- Forgiveness can happen sometimes, but trust is hard to earn back.
If you disagree with someone, you…
- Would give them the correct information because they are misinformed.
- Would try to see their point of view and not hold it against them if they do not agree with you.
- Would try to educate them on the issue. If they still do not agree, I agree to disagree. But I am not going to talk to them about the subject again.
- There is no changing their opinion. They are irrational and too difficult to have in my life.
If you have caused someone pain by your words when you have argued you…
- Rarely, I apologize. It takes two to argue, and it is clear that we will not agree.
- I would humbly apologize and try to make things right.
- I would apologize if I think I was wrong, but making sure the person understands I was in a tough situation.
- I might apologize. It depends on the person and if I respect them.
If someone does something illegal or immoral…
- Throw the book at them! There are laws for a reason and society should just be done with them.
- I understand that they are subject to social justice.
- I might forgive them if I can and out why they did what they did and then they apologize. And they never do it again.
- People know when they are doing something illegal or immoral. It is not a secret that there are rules in life.
Be conscious that we are all of these things at one time or another. But when dealing with our pain, we usually lean more one way than the other. We have all heard people say things like: “I hope they get what they deserve;” “I would never be able to forgive someone who hurt my family;” “I will never talk to that person again;” “It is easier to not deal with it, because people do not change;” and so on. All of these and a thousand more are common in our culture. We may not even realize we are struggling with un-forgiveness.
When you hear about people forgiving cheating spouses, murderers, and neglectful parents it can leave you thinking that they are some type of special “super forgiver,” or they are just stupid. They are not better than you, nor are they reckless. They merely understand the power that forgiveness gives them. These people understand what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Count how many A, B, C, or D’s you marked. Refer to the descriptions below. Remember we are all the types, but usually we are more one or two of them.
NUMBER OF A’s _____ B’s _____ C‚’s_____ D’s_______ If you scored high in the A’s you are The Stuffer Non-Forgiver. If you scored high in the B’s you are a Roll off the Duck’s Back Forgiver. If you scored high in the C’s you are a Revenge is Sweet Non-Forgiver. If you scored higher in the D’s you are a Once and You’re Done Non-Forgiver.
For you, deep forgiveness is a myth. It is like a unicorn. It sounds good and magical, but in real life it is not possible. In your experience, it is unreasonable for you to forgive someone for what they did. You stuff down your un-forgiveness. You will show up at the family reunion, but you won’t like it. If someone apologizes, you are okay with it, but you are not going to believe they really mean it. Sure, you can let little things go. But if someone causes pain to you or your loved ones, you cannot forgive them.
Shocker! Many people are exactly like you. Forgiveness is something they do not want to deal with. It is easier to just stuff the situation down and try to forget it. The last thing you need is more conflict. So, you show up, put on a fake smile, and secretly judge the person from afar. You might even understand that people are on their own path, but you do not have to forgive them for it.
Stuffing things down and not dealing with them results in one becoming a last-minute forgiver. This is a common issue in hospice care. Deep family problems, personal regrets, or anger can come bubbling to the surface when faced with the sudden review of your life. If you are lucky, you will be able to resolve and forgive. If not, you will leave behind a legacy of un-forgiveness.
First I can tell you that you are a rare duck! It is unusual that people can let things go and forgive as easily as you can. The world needs more people like you, who can let things roll off their backs. It is human nature to want a bit of revenge or to not deal with the person at all. But not you!
Whether it is just in your DNA, or you have done a lot of work to understand what forgiveness is or is not, you deserve a great big pat on your back.
You can take responsibility for your part in the situation and humbly apologize for the pain you have caused. Way to go.
Forgiveness is a great tool when you have learned to master it. Re- member even people that are good forgivers can pick up un-forgiveness. It is important that you check yourself when you feel those ugly feelings.
Oh yes, it is really sweet, or is it? You are probably saying that you are not a revengeful person. You do not plot and plan in order to cause another person harm. Well, I have a surprise for you! We all do this to some degree. How many times have you thought or said that someone needs to learn his or her lesson? So, you don’t call them back, go to dinner with them, or pick them up, because you decided you would teach them a lesson. By trying to teach someone a lesson you are really saying, “I am right and you are wrong, and you deserve what you get.” Yes, they might be the worst person ever, but if you decide to treat them badly, what does that say about you? Two wrongs don’t make a right, right?
It’s understandable to want the person or persons to get a taste of the pain they have caused you. You want to be heard and understood. And you want payback. Somehow in our human brains, we have decided the eye-for-an-eye philosophy will make us feel better and teach the offender a lesson. Usually, an eye-for-an-eye only causes both people to be blind.
The idea that people must pay for what they have done is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as it is not revengeful. If a murderer goes to jail, that is because our society has rules that must be followed to have a healthy, safe society. To send someone to jail for the crime is appropriate, but to wish that they were beaten or murdered in prison, is vengeful. If the offense is less than murder and you think the person is unhealthy, abusive, dangerous, or really irritating, it is not revenge to have healthy boundaries.
If you are a Once and You’re Done type, you are very protective of your heart. If people do something to you that you feel is wrong, immoral, or criminal, you can never trust them again. Sometimes you do not even bother telling them why you do not want them in your life. You like your life less complicated. It is easier to just be done with the people who hurt you.
Life is full of difficult people with chaotic lives. If you cut all of the difficult people out of your life, you won’t have many people left. We all mess up, some more than others, and to different degrees. Yes, you can have healthy boundaries from negative people and situations without slicing all of them out of your life. We all deserve second chances! Next time you are ready to shut someone out of your life, ask yourself if you are only doing this because it is easier and because you are protecting yourself from further pain. Examine the situation more closely. The relationship with this person might be worth saving.
A Once and You’re Done Non-Forgiver will throw away people without ever giving them a chance to make amends. If the person is someone who has hurt you, you will still carry the pain even if you have tossed them away.
The results of the quiz are intended to help you better understand how you approach and manage forgiveness in your life. It is not to say that you can’t change over time, but more important that you think about your inner feelings and current frame of mind as it relates to forgiveness and your personality.
The Forgiveness Solution, The Step-by-Step Process To Let It Go
“Forgiveness is the link between love and healing.” – Rev. Misty ™
All major religions and societies agree forgiveness is a good idea. We are better human beings when we let things go. But what they haven’t taught us is how to forgive.
Rev. Misty’s Forgiveness Algorithm™ gives you the how in a proven step-by-step formula that brings relief from pain and anger and puts you on the road to living the happy, healthy life that God has intended for you.
With her signature humor and heart-opening stories, Rev. Misty teaches you how to shift your perspective and adjust your expectations of people and situations, so you can move past the pain of un-forgiveness.
Rev. Misty draws upon her intensely personal experiences of facing deep sadness, anger, grief and the power of forgiveness. She meets you where you are and helps you walk through your own forgiveness journey.
Reverend Misty Tyme, Bio
Rev. Misty Tyme is a forgiveness expert, author, speaker and creator of The Forgiveness Algorithm™.
Her mission is clear: to bring a forgiveness tool to a cynical world that is craving a way to let go of pain and anger. Armed with the motto that “forgiveness is the link between love and healing,” she believes when we practice forgiveness, we make room for the good life God has intended for each one of us.
With a gift for opening hearts through her humorous and touching stories, Rev. Misty is known for uplifting and enlightening audiences across the U.S. through her talks and workshops.
Rev. Misty was ordained in 2015 after spending two years in One Spirit Interfaith Seminary. Previously, she had a long successful career in corporate health care. Rev. Misty lives in Boise, Idaho, and San Diego, California and is a wife and mother of six children.
You can reach RevMisty.com and connect with her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Plus, tune in to Rev. Misty on her Sacred Stories podcast, “The Forgiveness Solution.”
Facebook: Rev Misty Tyme, Instagram: Rev_Misty, Twitter: Rev_Misty_Tyme
What is the Let Resilience Arise series all about?
Elizabeth Van Tassel is a wildfire survivor who lost every possession and her home in 2007. Since that time, she’s been cultivating fiction and nonfiction projects of her own to inspire kids and adults alike with her lessons. But she’s also developed a wonderful network of amazing authors in all different genres and professions who have compelling stories to boost you or perhaps a friend you know who’s struggling with a similar challenge. Subscribe to this blog for these articles and a monthly newsletter to come to your email or stop by again for more amazing stories. Also have your teens and tweens check out their own page and posts HERE. Want to share your story with others or have Elizabeth share hers with your group? Contact Elizabeth HERE and she’d love to discuss bringing lessons of hope and new beginnings to your group too.